5 Reasons He Won't Commit - Yet

Not all men are freaked out by 'forever', but the ones who are say they're not saying 'never' either, discovers Clara Lee.

It's been done before: men have bought diamond rings, proposed, manoeuvred their way into suits, even been known to enrol in salsa classes weeks before their wedding, to prove they're just as committed as their brides-to-be are to staging a show-stopping first dance as a married couple. Men have participated in the ultimate display of commitment - marriage - so we know they can do it. It's just that they won't do it at a time when most women just have to have the ring - or at least a definite plan that they're headed in that direction.

Although we're of the same species, are men a different kind of animal when it comes to commitment? Are women born sprinters towards Commitment Country, while men are natually snail-paced? We got some answers straight from the horse's mouth.

1. "I do" sounds freakishly like "I'm doomed!" Many women can't wait to tie the knot so that they can truly get started on the next chapter of their lives. However, a number of men see marriage as a large stop sigh signalling the end of their happy bachelor times. Albert*, 34, says, "At this point in my life, it's simply social suicide. I do a lot of travelling with the guys, and if I get married, I know it's goodbye to all that." A simple night of poker, says Albert*, will become a contentious issue once he's signed marriage papers. "I love my girlfriend and I will settle down, eventually," adds Tim*. "But not now." In other words, it's not you. It's him... and his friends.
2. He has the time to wait. Many men go into a relationship without any idea where it might be in a week, much less in six months or two years. When faced with "the next level", they realise they're not sure you're what they're looking for. And they would like to have a little look-around, just to see what they're missing. And hey, they have the time. "It's a little unfair," says Eric*, 33, "but men don't feel pressure to have kids at a certain age. We actually do have the luxury of time." Unless, Eric* explains, the guy is following a self-imposed timetable: marriage by 28, first kid by 30, second by 32. "Most of the time, at least for my friends," he adds, "it's the girl who threatens to walk away from the relationship because she has to have kids already." Some of his friends have opted to take the plunge while others have said they'll wait for someone younger who has more time.
3. He thinks he's going to have to save you. Lee*, 31, says, "I don't want to start planning anything major until I can afford the ring she wants, the big wedding, the gown, the house, everything. My wife has to be happy and materially comfortable." Machismo is not dead - it is alive and well and keeping those wedding bells at bay. While it's sweet that they're more than willing to foot the bill - all the bills - it's a little worrying if they think you come with a steep price tag. Most men don't know there are other options, such as cooperation and sharing, and until you explain this possibility to them, they'll be sidestepping Tiffany's.
4. He's been badly burnt. While there's no scientific proof that women are m ore emotionally resilient than men, this certainly seems like a fact. More women are willing to give commitment a second go even though their previous serious relationship went awry, but men take a while to recover from a near-death experience. If he barely managed to crawl away from his last relationship with a severely battered ego, don't expect him to be up and about any time soon. He may show signs of emotional health, but he's not going there again this time, at least not until he's sure. "I thought everything was going great," says Paul*, 32, of his one-year engagement. "Then she calls it off on the day we get our wedding invitations. Next time, I'll do what women do: I'll look before I leap. I'll look for about two more years."
5. It's you. He might not want to hunker down with you but just can't say it. "didn't have the guts to hurt my girlfriend because she's a really nice person," says Michael*, 32. "But she wasn't The One." So he waited for her to realise that for herself - which hurt just the same. And, for the longest time, she called him a commitment-phobe, when all he really was, was a coward.

Extracted from Female magazine

Is He Worth It?

Time is of the essence when it comes to meeting Mr. Right. Here's how to tell if the one you're seeing now is worth your while.

For Weeps

He's got roving eyes
As long as you're the hottest girl in the room, you'll have his undivided attention. However, should a leggier lass in a shorter skirt walk by, his eyes would follow in her direction.

He talks too much
If his idea of a conversation involves a 20-minute monologue on his brilliant saves on the soccer field, walk out immediately.

He only says yes
It's great that a guy respects your opinions but if he constantly gives in to whatever you want, the yes-man will soon bore the hell out of you.

He orders you about
Even in this age of sexual equality, ladies should still be treated like ladies. If he oreders you to fetch his newspapers, get the car and answers the phone, drop him like a hot potato!

He's always unavailable
We're not asking for a man to be our second shadow but surely it's reasonable to expect him to be around when we're down with the flu? If you're hearing his voicemail more than from him, reconsider.

He's indecisive
You can't get him to make up his mind on anything. Ask him if he's available for dinner on the day after tomorrow, and he'll give a non-committal reply. Commitment-phobe alert!


For Keeps

He listens
He shows a genuine interest in what you have to say and respects your opinions. When you're talking, he responds appropriately to show he's paying attention.

He's spontaneous
He's always suggesting interesting things the two of you could do together. This shows he makes an effort to keep the flames of desire burning.

He compliments you
He notices your new earrings and says how pretty they look on you. You make a clever comment and he smiles indulgently at you like you're the most intelligent girl on the planet.

He gives you space
Personal time is important whether you're single or in a relationship. A man who respects your space and doesn't control you trusts you and has faith in his own charms.

He's affectionate
Ever notice how men tend to clam up and act all macho in public? If he doesn't think twice about giving you a hug or calling you "honey" or "dear" in front of his friends, he's definitely a keeper!

He challenges you
Being in a relationship isn't only about doing romantic things. He wants the best for you and will tell you if he thinks you need to work harder at your career.


Extracted from CLEO magazine November 2005 issue.

WHAT I (DON'T) LIKE ABOUT YOU?

extracted from an email forwarded to me... i find all these very
true even from my own perspective.


Sunday, June 4, 2006
posted by James at 9:28 am

One of the things Amy promised you, our dear 000Relationships
readers, is my perspective on what makes women irresistible.  It's
an interesting topic, because there are so many ways for a woman to
be irresistible: in physical, emotional, and sometimes just
intangible ways.  Then there are the innervating ways that women
can just be plain...well, RE-sistable!  So I've gone through my
conversations with guys, married and unmarried, and come up with a
list of female attributes we like-and hate.  I hope this gives you
a better understanding of what men find irresistible, which is
quite often a balanced personality and lifestyle.  Enjoy!

ATTITUDE

LIKE:
-Men DO like nice girls...but not too nice.  By "nice", we mean
someone who's easy to get along with...but also someone who RESPECTS
herself.  Just like women don't like male pushovers, so males don't
enjoy female pushovers, either.  It's a balance, like almost every
trait.  There's always room for the "grey zone".

DON'T LIKE:
-A woman who falls into the black and white areas: a woman who's
too nice, or too demanding (read: bitchy).  Extreme personalities
often lead to extreme disasters.  Men like a challenge, so it's
nice to have a woman who will challenge you-but all while not
falling into "complete bitch" category.  Again, it all comes down
to finding the middle area.

HUMOR

LIKE:
-A girl who loves to laugh, and can appreciate different types of
humor.

NOT FUNNY!:
-A girl who doesn't laugh at ANYthing, and gives a man a nasty
glare or rude comment when she doesn't enjoy his sense of humor
(unless, of course, it was completely offensive).

CAREERS

LIKE:
-A girl who knows what she wants, enjoys what she does, and works
hard for it, but still finds time for friends and family.  A nice,
balanced life-which, admittedly, isn't always easy.

NOT GONNA "WORK" OUT!:
-A girl who knows what she wants, and gets it by shutting out all
but those who can be of immediate benefit to her.  To those who
AREN'T of immediate benefit, she is cold, ruthless, and generally
impossible to be around.  Work comes first, you come last.

EMOTIONS

LIKE:
-A girl who's open with her feelings, but doesn't make you feel
guilty for her feeling them.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...
-A girl who's accepting of men's feelings, and doesn't make them
feel like a "wuss" for having those feelings.

HATE!!!:
-A girl who's open with her feelings by screaming them,
manipulating situations, and crying when she doesn't get what she
wants.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...
-A girl who thinks of you as less of a man just for expressing your
emotions.  Don't want a woman who will nurture her man like a
little baby, but don't want one who makes him feel like he has to
be someone he isn't, either.

HOBBIES

LIKE:
-A woman who supports your interests.  She may not like them
personally (say, fantasy baseball, or sports in general), but
doesn't try to stop you from enjoying them and making them a part
of your life, either.  Generally open to the idea of doing
something you love.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...
-A woman who shares her hobbies with you, but doesn't force them
down your throat, either.  If she likes ballet, asks you to come
with her to a show, but doesn't get upset if you don't enjoy it as
much as her.

DON'T LIKE, DON'T BOTHER WITH:
-A woman who not only hates your hobbies, but won't even consider
the idea of doing something you enjoy.  Even mentioning going to,
say, a football game, is an attempt in vain.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...
-A woman who forces her hobbies down your throat.  Gets pissed off
when you don't enjoy something as much as her.

INTELLIGENCE

LIKE:
-Balance is crucial.  Guys don't want to feel like idiots in front
of their girl, but don't want to feel like they're WITH an idiot,
either.  Some women are really intelligent, others are not.  That's
fine.  What men want is a woman who makes them feel good about
THEIR intelligence, by having things to talk about, but not feeling
stupid in doing so.

THE SMART THING TO DO IS MOVE ON!:
-A woman who is very intelligent and feels she has to prove it
(which only goes to show her own weaknesses).  Breaks a man down to
size for not knowing as much as her.  JUST AS BAD, a woman who
makes no effort to learn about new things.  Open-mindedness, to
other opinions and to new ideas, is key.

SENSE OF ADVENTURE

LIKE:
-A woman in love with life, and its many possibilities.  Not afraid
to try new things out, even potentially embarrassing ones-read,
karaoke and dancing.

LOVE!:
-A woman who may not particularly enjoy embarrassing things such as
karaoke, but is willing to do them with you because she knows life
is too short.

CAN'T FRIGGIN' STAND!:
-A woman who's afraid to try anything new at all.  Content to stay
at home with her poodles and soap operas.

MONEY

LIKE:
-A woman who will at least offer to pay, especially if she makes a
decent wage.  Also, a woman who has a purposeful occupation.

I WANT A REFUND!:
-A woman who EXPECTS men to pay for her (and not just dinner!), and
refuses to spend a dime on meals and other expenses, even when she
can afford it-or worse, makes more than the man!
A woman who's not willing to work, when she can, is just as bad a
man who's too lazy to work.

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS

LIKE:
-A woman who, despite wanting marriage, doesn't force it on a man.
She knows that good things come to those who wait, and if it's
meant to be, he'll bring it up himself.  Quality of man counts more
than quantity of engagement ring karats!

FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER MAN!:
-A woman so desperate for marriage that you can read it on her
face.  If he says he's not yet ready for a ring, she throws a
tantrum and says he doesn't love her-which is ironic, because
forcing him to commit is anything but love!

APPEARANCES AND DIET

LIKE:
-A woman who is content enough in her body to not whine about it
all the time (especially while not doing anything to solve the
problem), but motivated enough to go to a gym and genuinely try to
do something healthful about her body/diet.

NEXT!:
-A woman who pays absolutely no attention to her body and diet.
Men don't expect every women to have a super-model body, but we DO
expect them to care about their health-how they look, and how they
eat.

SEX

LIKE:
-A woman who is open to new things.  If she brings energy and
openness to the bedroom, her body type won't really matter.

DON'T WANNA GO NEAR:
-A woman who is afraid to try anything new, and who brings a
closed-minded, even disdainful approach to sex.  Makes a man feel
bad for enjoying sex.

TRAVEL

LIKE:
-For me personally, I love a girl who enjoys travelling.  But in
general, guys want a girl who enjoys travelling, but doesn't force
him to travel when he doesn't like it.  Encouraging him gently to
explore, however, is definitely a good quality.

ADIOS!:
-A girl who's NOT open to travel at all.  If she considers Canada a
distant land, something's wrong!  But on the flip side, a girl who
can't stay still without having to fly somewhere, and who makes you
feel guilty for not leaving with her, even when you have important
things to get done, is not any better.

TRUST

LIKE:
-A girl who's loyal!  Is that any surprise?  But also a girl who
gives you trust, when you've shown you're worthy of it (i.e.
clearly stand by her side, even when the going gets rough).

SAYONARA!:
-A girl who always thinks you're up to something, even when you're
not.  In general, a girl who puts no trust in you.  (Hey, I admit,
guys can be just as bad.)

ARGUMENTS

LIKE:
-A woman who is firm and doesn't fool around.  Not a bitch, but not
someone you can walk all over, either.  Has respect for herself-and
for you.

SHOOT ME NOW!:
-A woman who goes to the ends of the earth to prove her point.
Gets angry just for THINKING something different than her.
Generally unpleasant to be around, even with a minor squabble.
Hope you enjoyed this!  Remember, every man is different.  Some
will want more of a caring, motherly type; and some men just love
bitches (just check out Sheryl Argov's book, "Why Men Love
Bitches!").  But all in all, I'm of the opinion that everything in
life comes down to BALANCE, the shades of grey wedged between the
extremes of black and white.  The successful couples I know, are
well-balanced.  While either extreme may seem good on paper, it's
usually the woman who's average just like him, that the average guy
will go for.

7 Signs Your Relationship's Going To Make It

1. After arguments you feel closer. You both feel raw, exhausted and a little fragile but closer than you did before it. You've managed to talk it through rationally, listerned to each other's viewpoints and come up with a solution that suits both of you.
2. Jealousy isn't a problem. Instead of losing it and storming out or trying to get even by flirting with someone else, you confess jealous feelings and allow yourself to be reassured. You become less jealous of each other the longer you're together.
3. If in doubt, you'll take it as a compliment. If your partner says something that could be mis construed, you'll put the best possible light on it. If your partner doesn't feel like sex, you think, "They must be tired" not "They don't fancy me any more".
4. You think first, react later. If you accept each other, you'll allow for differences. If your partner's being critical, you'll listen, take into account any stresses and how tired they are, then throw in your two cents' worth. Only important issues are worth fighting over.
5. You don't change to suit each other, you work with each other. You're aware of each other's bottom line. There's a certain standard that's expected, but you're not rigid. You can put your partner's needs before your own occasionally.
6. You know how to say goodbye. He's nabout to head off for a two-week work trip. you don't cling, sob or feel resentful. You take him to the airport, kiss and hug, then wave him off cheerily. A graceful exit is best. Smart lovers keep each other hungry for more.
7. You both feel you're getting a fair deal from the relationship. Ask yourself this: Who's getting the best deal fromt his relationship: Me or my partner? You're on the right track when you can honestly answer, " It's fairly equal".